by Rosie E.
The other morning Father Stephen looked out over the small chapel of heavy-eyed students. After a pause he said, “Do you think it’s possible to fundamentally change?”
Rarely do students leave the morning services without a message to reflect on. We are told prayer will save us and that we are forgiven as long as we forgive.
At least, these are the messages I receive from the morning services. But this morning’s message was open-ended, and I sat down for breakfast already full of food for thought.
Is it possible to fundamentally change? I hope so. But where to start? If fundamental change is possible, how is it possible? Does it all start with the old saying, “fake it until you make it?”
According to R.G. Collingwood in his book The Idea of Nature, “Greek, Renaissance, and modern thinkers all agree that everything in the world of nature, as we perceive it, is in a state of continuous change.”
If we are always changing, it is assumed that we are never the same. How do we know who we are at all if we are always changing to something different?
Before I came to The Family Foundation School, I was a very confused person. I never stood up for anything, and when the time came to make a decision I acted on my emotional state at the time. I did know much about love, although I convinced myself that every boyfriend I ever had was my soul-mate, and even then I didn’t stay faithful to the relationship.
I was unclear as to what would make me a happy person. I tried to feed the hole inside of me with drugs, sex, lies, and false personalities. But at the end of the day, I had no idea what it was that I was searching for so desperately.
Once I got here and the drugs were removed, the boyfriends eliminated, and my defense mechanisms monitored, I realized just how much trouble I’d gotten myself into. I needed to find out who I was and I was terrified of what I might discover.
My parents and step-parents told me for years what a talented, strong, and intelligent individual I was. But how did they know those things about me if I didn’t even know myself?
For my first few months, it was easy to fake my way through the program. I did what the school asked me to do without putting forth much internal work.
But when I had been here nine months my true colors began to show. I went on a visit and broke the school rules, and lied to everyone who trusted and cared about me. My mother ended the visit early and I didn’t talk to her again for two months. My friends didn’t trust me, I didn’t trust myself, and I was miserable. I’d become an outcast in my own life.
It was only then, when I was so uncomfortable, that I started to change my behavior. I only surrendered my actions, not my heart, mind and body, and that was my biggest mistake.
Now, eight months later, I am working through the repercussions of my previous actions and seeing that I do need a fundamental change.
Though I have had many struggles in recent months, and I see now that I’ll never make it if I fake it. Like the “Big Book” teaches, half-measures avail me nothing.
