Fitting In, Then Falling Out

A Personal Witness of a Life Nearly Ruined and the Principles That Saved It

By Sarah V.

I was born in Bethpage, Long Island, New York. I always looked up to my older brother and sis­ter. My sister’s about seven years older than I and my brother about four. I was that little annoying sister who always wanted to be around the friends of my siblings and be “one of them.”

I had a fairly normal child­hood, getting into fights with my siblings and mostly just being a brat. I would get in these moods and get mad when I didn’t get what I wanted.

I was a tomboy who hung out with the guys and was always outside playing sports or doing some sort of physical activity. I was making good grades and trying hard in school.

When middle school came around I started to change my im­age to become more like one of the girls. I dressed differently and tried to make more friends. My grades were still up but I didn’t have that many friends.

My whole life I felt different and never really fit into one group. I switched my groups of friends more than once a year, but I’ve always needed that one person that I knew would always be there.

Since kindergarten I had a friend that is still there for me today. Her name is Emily and we did every­thing together.

At the end of middle school alcohol entered my circle. I thought it was the stupidest thing. Why drink? It tastes bad and it costs money. Emily and I made a pact never to drink.

At the beginning of high school we started to separate. I forgot about that “pact” on my first 4.20.

I smoked weed for the first time and made a new group of friends once again. Because I was on three varsity teams I made friends with juniors and seniors. This threw me into one of the worst spots I’ve been in. I started drinking with them.

I loved the feeling I got and never wanted it to leave. I started partying and lying to my parents about where I was going and who I was with.

My parents caught on and started drug and alcohol testing me. Most of the time I refused but they still knew what I was doing.

I started to get into big argu­ments which turned into physical fights with my mother. I started sneaking out so I could drink all night and not worry about getting tested or caught.

My parents would go after my friends. They blamed my rela­tionship with them. I hated this; I would rather have them punish me because I didn’t care about getting punished. I didn’t care about my relationship with my family.

My friends weren’t doing these bad things, I was. And I was miser­able. I thought just leaving would make it all go away. This became a habit and I still struggle with wanting to walk out of hard situ­ations today.

When I ran away I would meet up with anyone. I didn’t want to be found. I slept in the backyard of an old abandoned house, and, until I thought I had frostbite, wouldn’t come home.

My parents didn’t know what to do. They started to send me to therapists and they put me on P.I.N.S. This didn’t help much. It was just another thing to argue about.

After my friends graduated I had to find new friends. I was more depressed at this time of my life because I felt as if I had no one. I stopped sneaking out for the most part and the fighting with my parents died down.

I made friends with the new seniors and went back to smoking weed. This brought me back to drinking.

I got into the first physical fight with my father. My anger came out and I hit my dad in the face. It is pretty much a blur for me but I will never forget what I did.

I woke up the next morning asking myself what I had done and I knew I was powerless and uncon­trollable. My parents tried to help control me. But nothing anyone could say would change me.

In 10th grade I got into some­what of a real relationship with a guy who was four years older than I. He was the son of my basketball coach. I could tell my parents were not too happy with it.

We drank together and eventu­ally started smoking together. We pushed the limits of my parents and they put more restrictions on me.

This pushed me away more and more. It got to the point where I wanted an emancipation. It was too hard to get though.

I lied and said I was getting physically abused by them, even up until I came to The Family Foundation School.

My boyfriend and I ran away about three times. I thought I’d be with him until I died because we had been through so much together.

I couldn’t find happiness any­where inside of me so I looked for it in others.

My parents were getting scared. They realized they couldn’t stop me so they sent me to The Family School the summer of my 11th grade year. Five days after I ar­rived, my ex-boyfriend tried to get me out, but it didn’t work. He told me he’d pick me up on my 18th birthday.

He got arrested and I haven’t seen him since. I do know he is out of jail but I don’t plan on going back to that codependent obsessive relationship.

I hung onto this for a long time and played the victim role against my parents. My first six months at The Family School were a struggle. I missed my friends more than I did my parents, but I was becoming tired of being miserable. I finally started to take a good look at myself. I got honest and found the happiness of not having to hide anything.

I also found a higher power and started the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. I realized that I am an alcoholic struggling to stay connected with a higher power. My anger, low self-confidence, self-pity, and blaming others slows me down at times, but I keep going to meetings, say my prayers, and talk to people.

It is now about a month after my 18th birthday, and I plan to stay until I graduate.

Mass, meetings, and staying busy are things I will need when I leave. I now have my family again, and I have the opportunity to go to college and play softball and have the life that God has pre-ordained for me.

Some advice I would like to offer is to look at yourself, not others. Find something higher than yourself. See those good things in you and hang onto them. Get honest, remember where you came from and help those who are struggling. Get everything you can out of this school and don’t waste your time.

Tagged as: The Family Foundation School